This entry is part 8 of 8 in the series The Renewal Pages
Three-legged stool

Three-legged stool

Several years ago Light Morning experienced an unprecedented population explosion. In response to a heartfelt but naive prayer for renewal that some of us had raised, the community tripled in size. Seemingly overnight we morphed from a quiet family of six adults and one child into a bustling warren of sixteen adults and six children. The transition was chaotic, disorienting, and exhilarating.

Almost as rapidly as it had formed, however, the bubble burst. Within a year and a half, all of the newcomers had moved on. And of the seven original residents, one died, one went into deep retreat, one took a full-time job, and another left for college.

Once some semblance of equanimity had been regained, the three remaining active crew members took stock. We began by reaffirming the need for patience, given that the full realization of Light Morning’s core vision will span at least several generations. Then we nurtured a willingness to give renewal another go.

Acknowledging that the tuition for round one had been pricey, we resolved to approach round two with a greater measure of caution and awareness. Finally, we decided that an online Journal would help convey Light Morning’s mission, especially (and perhaps subliminally) to potential members of the next renewal crew.

These and other realizations came into focus during a long midwinter pilgrimage. As we coaxed the insights into consciousness, they spontaneously coalesced around the recurring image of a three-legged stool.

The Three Criteria of a Healthy Community

The driving is treacherous. A major blizzard is tracking up the east coast toward New England. Creeping along the single northbound lane of Interstate 81 that the teams of snow-plows are able to keep open, it dawns on us that only fools would be driving in weather like this. And perhaps, given our destination, the description fits. For if we make it safely to the Vipassana Meditation Center in western Massachusetts, we’ll be spending the next ten days in complete silence, our tushes parked on meditation cushions for ten to twelve hours a day.

The hazardous road conditions aren’t the only source of stress. Three of us are the active crew members left standing after Light Morning’s recent population expansion and contraction. The fourth is a friend who had lived in the community for many years and has stayed close to it since leaving.

We’re all needing to talk. What have we learned over the past year? What went well? How might renewal be approached differently next time? Will there even be a next time? For each of us is coping with significant bruises and blown fuses. Will we have the gumption to go through even a muted version of this renewal process again?

Brooding on these questions, my mind drifts back to an earlier Vipassana course. One of the evening discourses had pointed out that, “Vipassana is the art of learning to die smilingly.” We cultivate the ability to die smilingly, moreover, by learning how to live smilingly, rather than by placing ourselves at the mercy of circumstances.

Pondering my mortality, I had become aware of the preference to leave behind a healthy community. “What might such a community look like?” I had wondered. “What is a healthy community?”

Into the meditative stillness had come an intuitive response to this unspoken question. “There are three criteria for a healthy community–a healthy community knows where it’s going; a healthy community helps provide for the physical, social, and spiritual needs of its passengers and crew; a healthy community has no indispensable members.”

As we follow the blizzard through Pennsylvania, frequently stopping to scrape ice from the windshield of our van, these criteria of a healthy community become a structuring device for looking at the renewal of Light Morning. They become the inter-locking legs of a sturdy, three-legged stool.

Light Morning’s Core Values

Considering the first criterion, that a healthy community knows where it’s going, we associate to Light Morning’s core values. Prior to the recent influx of new residents, the community had clarified its priorities. Realizing that flexibility would be called for as more people joined the community, we had needed to know in which arenas we were not likely to be flexible, what values we were not willing to relinquish.

Many had come to mind, including consensus decision-making, environmental beauty, shared meals, organic gardening, welcoming visitors, and creative problem-solving. At a still deeper level, we had re-affirmed three foundational values that truly define Light Morning. For take away any of these three and you won’t have a Light Morning. It is to these core values that the four of us now turn as we peer through the veil of falling snow, trying to discern where Light Morning needs to be going in order to be healthy.

The first core value is choosing to live close to the Earth. This involves transitioning from a cash-based to a labor-based economy, cultivating the qualities of frugality, sustainability, self-reliance, and cooperation, and striving for radiant health. Doing so enables us to experience our home planet not only as a teacher, healer, and friend, but also to know it as the greater Body within which we live and move and have our being.

The community’s second foundation stone is to gestate a new kind of family. A fully functional, warmly supportive, vision-driven family, well-suited to raising both children and awareness. A family capable of withstanding the wide array of challenges that all families face, as well as the fierce pressures of transformational intent.

For Light Morning’s third core value is to embark upon a transformational journey. The slowly ripening vision of a new creature, freed from parochial self-interest and outmoded restraints, underlies the gestation of a new kind of family.

These foundational values form the second three-legged stool that comes into view during our long journey north.

Common Vision, Covenanting, and Coaching

Hardly a mile goes by that we don’t see a car, truck, or tractor trailer that has skidded onto the shoulder of the road or down the embankment. Abandoned to the drifting snow, these ice-encrusted vehicles are recurring reminders that carelessness is costly.

At a literal level they goad the van’s driver to pay close attention to the job at hand. And in the context of our spirited conversation, they inspire us to keep a watchful eye on where Light Morning is going. For here, too, carelessness can be deadly.

“Where there is no vision,” the scriptures say, “the people perish.” So accessing and articulating a common vision, and then drawing a viscerally personal version of that vision out of all who are led to explore Light Morning–that’s our job at hand.

For the shared vision to be realized, however, a transmission belt is required. Only then will the vision’s potential energy be converted into kinetic energy. Only then will the heavy inertial resistance of the status quo be overcome. The components of this transmission belt are covenanting and coaching.

Having been captivated by the beauty of the vision, and sobered by the recalcitrance of the resistance, we are brought to understand that we cannot “go it alone.” We therefore make vows of strong determination to each other and to Something beyond ourselves. This is covenanting.

Then we ask each other and Something beyond ourselves for support, encouragement, and accountability. We open ourselves, in other words, to coaching.

Common vision, covenanting, and coaching–yet another three-legged stool.

Visitors, Residents, and Caretakers

We finally allow ourselves a bit of cautious optimism. It’s late afternoon. The snow is still falling. The driving is still hazardous. But we are crossing the Tappan Zee bridge. Below us lies the bleak and mostly frozen Hudson River. New England beckons.

Nearly four centuries ago, a dream-driven Englishman sailing for the Dutch had skippered a small yacht up this river, searching for the fabled northwest passage to the Orient. Our conversation turns naturally to Henry Hudson and his Half Moon, for we have already been utilizing the nautical metaphor. A sailing vessel, for example, knows where it’s going. The needs of its passengers and crew must be provided for. And none of the crew members should be indispensable.

But what kind of sailing vessel is Light Morning? Certainly not a cargo ship or a cruise liner. Nor is it primarily a passenger vessel. Light Morning’s voyage is rather one of exploration and discovery, like Henry Hudson’s Half Moon. Or Columbus’s Santa Maria, whose image graces the cover of Wax Statues. Or the Starship Enterprise.

On board this vessel are passengers, crew members, and the ship’s officers, corresponding to Light Morning’s visitors, residents (the interns and apprentices), and what the community has come to call caretakers. Feeling our way into these distinctions, we see that for passengers wanting to join the crew, as well as for crew members wanting to become “commissioned officers”, the same essential question applies: To what degree am I deepening my passion, my commitment, and my competence?

This triggers another flash-back. It’s a sunny afternoon at Light Morning, at the peak of the population influx. I’m lying on my back under an old Dodge Omni, replacing its water pump. Jonathan stops by to share some frustrations about having to coax some of the newcomers into helping us build Rivendell, our new community shelter.

Trying to clarify his concerns, I ask, “What exactly do you want?”

He pauses for a moment, and then jumps octaves. “I want to live with people who are passionate about Light Morning!”

Recalling this story as we creep across New York raises critical questions about how to discover ones passion, or “path with heart”. About how commitment keeps us walking that path while our passion ebbs and flows. And about how competence, and ultimately excellence, come only to the degree that one truly cares. These are the key issues for anyone living at Light Morning, be they visitor, intern, apprentice, or caretaker.

The Dream Teacher’s Three Questions

It’s dusk when we reach Hartford, Connecticut, and turn north on I-91 toward Massachusetts. The snow has tapered off. The highway is well plowed. Soon we’ll be settling into the meditation center for the night. With our harrowing drive mostly behind us, we begin to relax.

Up ahead of us a car sloughs off a large clump of snow, which quickly drifts into the path of our oncoming van. We fully expect the impact to dissolve the clump into a shower of shimmering snowflakes, as has happened so many times before. Instead, the van shudders and our windshield shatters into an intricately opaque spider’s web of fracture lines. By grace, a small oval of visibility remains on the driver’s side of the safety glass, allowing us to limp cautiously toward our destination.

The abrupt transition from the clarity of seeing what we want for Light Morning, to near total blindness and the sudden fruition of our fears, is so striking that it shakes free the memory of a strong dream from several years ago, called “The Dream Teacher’s Three Questions.”

A woman is teaching a small group of us at Light Morning.

“The entire path,” she says, “grows out of three questions–What do I want? What am I afraid of? What’s my next step?

“Many people,” she continues, “get stuck on the third question, because they haven’t taken the time, or realized the importance, or discovered the courage to fully explore questions one and two.

“What we think we want and what we think we’re afraid of are like the outward skins of an onion. Beneath these relatively superficial interpretations are more elemental desires and fears. And under those layers of the onion can be found still deeper yearnings and dread. Only as you explore your deepest desires and fears will your true path become clear–moment by moment, step by step.”

Then she points out the intimate relationship between the first two questions.

“It’s like driving,” she explains. “You very much want to reach your destination, so you’re pushing down hard on the accelerator. The harder you push, however, the slower you go. For a while you’re completely mystified. Then you finally look down and notice that your other foot is pushing just as hard on the brake.

“You’ve been focusing intently on what you want, in other words, yet strenuously ignoring what you’re afraid of. But what you want and what you’re afraid of are two sides of the same coin. When you fail to see that your desires and fears are the flip sides of a single coin, you become mired in a crippling ambivalence.

“Once acknowledged, however, this realization can be put to good use. For accessing your deepest desires will lead you to your worst fears, just as the cultivated willingness to face what you’re most profoundly afraid of will open the door to what you truly want. Only then will your path become clear.”

The dream teacher’s three questions offer a final permutation to the recurring image of a three-legged stool. We viscerally sense their relevance to our personal lives as well as to the renewal of Light Morning. The questions keep us company on the last few miles of our pilgrimage to the Vipassana Meditation Center and help prime the pump for a strong course.

Epilogue

Eleven days later we emerge from the intensity of our real pilgrimage. The snow has melted. The van has a sparkling new windshield. We drive home under blue skies.

*   *   *

Three-legged stool

Three-legged stool

For a deeper exploration of Light Morning’s three core values,
see the earlier articles in this Renewal Pages series.

This entry is part 16 of 20 in the series The Lofty Chronicles

~ Lauren’s Childhood at Light Morning ~

Part Eight: Learning How to Wish Wisely
(continued)

Lauren with Kivrin

Lauren with Kivrin

Spring 1993 (continued)

A Letter to Adam ( Saturday, 10 April 1993) There’s no easy way of keeping The Lofty Chronicles current, especially when it comes to the ongoing interpersonal work concerning Adam’s abuse of the two girls a year ago at this time. But to not at least refer to that work would leave an artificial and misleading vacuum in these pages.

I sent the following letter to Adam, for example, after a rather spirited meeting between him, the folks living here at Light Morning, and Doro, as a representative of the wider neighborhood. The context is Adam’s pending move back to Roanoke–a halfway home, if you will, between his intense therapy work in D.C. over the past couple of seasons, and a closer re-integration into the neighborhood.

“I want to share with you that I felt Friday evening went well. It probably didn’t unfold quite the way anyone expected. But if the intent was to continue our processing, and to involve others (such as Doro and Jo) in that circle in a meaningful way, our efforts were successful.

“I’m also feeling the need to briefly recapitulate and expand the point of view that I have been advocating the last couple of times that we’ve talked. My initial reservations about your imminent return–imminent in the sense of time and/or proximity–were based on a perception that your empathy was still constricted (lack of expressed remorse, at least to Lauren, Joyce and I, plus your apparent inability to anticipate and appreciate the concerns of the neighborhood), and that you’d be coming back into an environment that would almost surely include a strong dose of rejection and stress.

“Since I pretty much share your understanding that your activities with the girls grew out of a combination of impaired empathy, high anxiety about rejection, and reduced ability to handle stress, I have had some apprehensions about your return to just such an environment. My concerns are both for your own well-being, and for the possibility (however slight) of a recurrence of your problem. This concern has been tempered, however, by a recognition of the impressive therapeutic efforts you’ve made over the past six months or so.

“Last Friday evening, however, I was more than a little dismayed by a stance that you and your therapist seem to be taking–namely, that there is no possibility of recurrence and that my fears are ‘ridiculous and absurd.’

“I was outraged by these assertions, and told you so, with more than a little heat. While I appreciate your need to reassure yourself and us and the rest of the neighborhood that ‘it can’t happen again,’ your adamant and uncompromising stance only serves to deepen my reservations and shake my faith in your therapist.

“My basic impression of Friday night is that you were trying to ’sell us’ on a belief that the possibility of recurrence is non-existent. Again, your strategy is understandable and, for the most part, I agree that the likelihood of your falling back into a pattern of abuse is quite negligible.

“But to take an absolutist position and say that such a possibility is non-existent is, from the place where I view the world, both unwise and untrue. Untrue, for the reasons mentioned above; and unwise, because a good salesman always strives to listen to his prospective clients, and to take their perceptions, needs, and reservations seriously, rather than dismissing and/or attacking them.

“Besides, there’s an inherent contradiction in your insistence that your problem is already behind you. If there’s no possibility of a recurrence, why are you planning to spend another 2-plus years in a therapeutic program in Roanoke?

“Finally, I deeply believe that your assertions are not only unwise and untrue, but are also dangerous. If you convince yourself that ‘it can’t happen again,’ you run the risk of blinding yourself to the warning signals of recurrence.

“‘It can’t happen again’ translates too easily into ‘it can’t be happening again.’

“Turning a blind eye to the unpleasant and/or the impossible is a good way to get blind-sided.

“I don’t at all want to diminish the significance, Adam, of the inner healing work you’ve done and are doing. Nor, once again, do I believe that a recurrence is much of a likelihood. I’m simply urging you to find the strength and the wisdom to chart a creative middle course between your need to offer reassurances to us (and to yourself), on the one hand, and your recognition, on the other, that the roots underlying your symptoms are deep, tangled, and tenacious, and that you’ll be wrestling with those roots, and with their various symptomatic outgrowths, for a long time to come.

This is where we can all find common ground. We’re all facing compulsive tendencies, murky guilts from the past, deep needs for healing and forgiveness. I pray that this community and neighborhood will rise to the challenge of owning and assimilating our shadows, rather than projecting most of them out upon you. I admire your courage in presenting us with this opportunity.”

Lauren’s First Finished Book ( Thursday, 15 April 1993) Lauren proudly announces today that she has just finished reading her first full-length book, front to back, first page to last. She has quite a few reading projects going on simultaneously these days, all at various stages of completion. She’s a chapter away from finishing Alice in Wonderland, for example.

But the honor of “first finished book” goes to Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Disgusting Sneakers. I’d never heard of Encyclopedia Brown before. Apparently he’s a kid detective. The book is part of the Weekly Reader series that came in last year.

Myra was over the other day, and instead of playing with the Barbie dolls together, she and Lauren each picked out a book to read. Myra selected Encyclopedia Brown, but only got half way through it before having to go home. Spurred on by this bit of friendly reading rivalry, Lauren promptly picked up the book and read it cover to cover.

Sleuthing is a popular theme these days. A week or so ago, Lauren was deeply immersed in Freddy the Detective (“the best book I’ve ever read”). And her favorite computer program (“Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?”) is a world geography course, cleverly disguised as a private-eye, chase-the-crooks-across-the-continents game.

Perhaps it’s age-related, and the skills and qualities exercised by a master detective–tracking down clues, thinking things out, solving problems–correlate with those being developed by children of Lauren’s age.

As a postscript, it turns out that I’m not completely tuned in to contemporary children’s literature. Several days after reading about the case of the disgusting sneakers, Lauren is browsing through the shelves of the Roanoke library and comes upon a whole series of Encyclopedia Brown titles.

“There are at least eleven of them, Dad!” she exudes, on her way to the circulation desk to check one of them out.

Magic Wand ("Good thing, Bad ring, Don't be a green thing.")

Magic Wand ("Good thing, Bad ring, Don't be a green thing.")

Wishes ( Friday, 16 April 1993) I’m sitting in the van with Lauren, in the parking lot of Radio Shack. Joyce has gone into the store to fine-tune her selection of a tape player/radio for Lauren’s birthday. I’m distracting Lauren while Joyce shops for her present. Next stop on our itinerary is the Roanoke airport. My mother Hope is arriving from California for the festivities.

“If you could have your choice,” Lauren asks, “what would you want–a million, million, million dollars or as many wishes as you wanted?”

“That’s easy,” I reply. “I’d take the wishes. Then if I wanted some money, I could just wish for it.”

“Yeah. I’d take the wishes, too. And do you know what I’d wish for?”

“What?”

“I’d wish that I could go into any story, like the stories we’re reading now, and become part of that story for as long as I wanted, and change it around however I wanted to, and then be able to come back out of it again at any time.”

“That would be a fun wish. What else would you wish for?”

“I’d wish for a flying carpet and to be able to fly.”

“Why would you need to be able to fly if you had a flying carpet?”

“Because if the flying carpet got tired and needed a rest when I was going somewhere, I could just get off and still keep on flying.”

“What else would you wish for?” I ask.

“That I had lots and lots of money and I’d give it all to the poor people. You think that’s a good idea?”

“I don’t know. What else?”

“I’d wish that all the food that is bad for me is really good for me, and that all the food that is good for me is good for me, too.”

“What else?”

“That I could become any age I want to, and that I could live as long as I want to live. How ’bout you?”

“Well, I guess my first wish would be for the wisdom to wish wisely.”

“Me, too,” she replies. “That would be a good wish.”

“Maybe that’s what we’re doing here,” I muse. “I mean here on this planet. Learning how to wish wisely. Maybe all those magic stories are true, and we can have just about anything we wish for. The only thing is, it takes a long time before we begin to see that we’re already getting what we wish for. Once we see it, we can learn to wish more wisely.”

“But,” Lauren objects, “I’m wishing that you and me and Mom and Hopie could be at the Western Sizzlin’ salad bar right now, and not have to wait for it to happen.”

“You wished it pretty well, though,” I remind her. “You were the one who really wanted to go to Western Sizzlin’ and you kept after us until we agreed. And now we’re almost there. Look, here comes Joyce. We’re off to the airport to pick up Hopie, and the next stop after that is the salad bar. Your wish is just about to come true.”

Ironically, by the time we get to Western Sizzlin’, Lauren is so revved up that she eats too much and/or too fast. After a long retreat in the rest room she comes back with a queasy look on her face.

“I’m never going to eat here again,” she exclaims.

I don’t have the heart to remind her of our earlier conversation, and of the long, slow, and pricey journey of learning how to wish wisely.

Balloons (by Lauren)

Balloons (by Lauren)

Graphic Design (Monday, 19 April 1993) Here’s one of Lauren’s recent drawings. The original is much larger (8 ½ X 11). Lauren told me that she drew the cluster of circles first. Then, after she’d colored them in, they reminded her of balloons, so she added the strings. Finally, she decided the balloons needed some background, which is how the apartment building came into the picture.

Lauren’s Rich ( Wednesday, 21 April 1993) Lauren celebrated her birthday yesterday afternoon. She had 16 friends over. We picked up all the public school kids in our van when the bus dropped them off by the pond. Those from Blue Mountain were driven in by their parents.

Toby and Rosie couldn’t come–the former due to possible appendicitis; the latter has chicken pox. Sage made a cameo appearance; he’s recovering from pneumonia. Thank god for the good weather. I would have had to scramble to entertain 16 kids inside, most of whom had already been cooped up in school all day.

When Alice came for her children toward the end of the party, she said, “When I picked up Myra here last Saturday, after she’d spent the night with Lauren, and we were driving home, she said, ‘You know, Lauren’s rich.’

“‘ How do you mean,’ I asked her.

“‘Well, she has a nice room, and a big green yard, and a garden you can play in, and people in different houses, like Ron and Marlene and Tom, that she can visit whenever she wants to. She’s rich.’”

According to normal economic indicators, we live so far below the poverty line that we don’t even show up on the radar screen. Yet we feel anything but poor. Myra, in her own way, was picking up on some of the values that are slowly emerging here. A new definition of wealth.

Four Girls in a Hammock ( Saturday, 24 April 1993) It’s Easter Sunday. David and Mary are having a potluck supper and bonfire for some of the neighborhood. Wes comes, too, and brings Rose. The kids are running around, having fun in a rough and tumble sort of way.

We eat supper. Dusk falls. And the gathering’s center of gravity shifts to the fire circle.

After a long while, I’m ready to head for home. I look for Lauren and at first can’t find her. Then I notice that the four girls–Lauren, Myra, Rose, and Claire–are cuddled up in David and Mary’s big hammock, talking quietly together.

Maybe it’s the twilight and the fire. Maybe it’s the contrast with the boys, who are still rough-housing around in the woods. Maybe it’s some sixth sense that I’m able to tune into. Whatever it is, any thought of leaving immediately vanishes. Something very special is going on in that hammock; something I don’t even dream of interrupting.

So I go back to the fire circle and continue my conversations.

Some 45 minutes later, other parents finally make the move to bring the evening to a close. I look over at the hammock. The four girls are still immersed in their private, intimate world. Sage (who had raided the hammock earlier, along with some of the other boys, only to be turned away by the girls’ outrage and the adults’ disapproval) is now standing almost shyly beside it, gently rocking it back and forth, as though he, too, has been captured my the magic of the spell.

Still next to the fire, I am talking with Wes about his and Shara’s dilemma of where to move–back to Celo; or to Virginia Beach; or Arizona; or Copper Hill. They’ve been wrestling with their decision for a long time without finding any clarity.

Now their daughter, Rose, emerges from the hammock, runs over to her dad at just this point in our conversation, and says, “I want to spend the night at Claire’s tonight.”

Wes’ mouth drops open. Rose hardly even knew Claire before this evening, and Wes barely knows her parents. Doesn’t even know where they live.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yes!”

To make a long story short, Rose spent the night down the road with Claire; Wes had a powerful dream that night about someone needing to return to “the hills of Floyd County” in order to regain his powers; he and Shara are now actively searching for land in the neighborhood; and Wes is starting to work part-time for Terrell and Diane, who live across the road from Claire.

In some weird way, it feels as though those four girls spent a magical twilight hour of bonding in that hammock on Easter Sunday, and that the intangible feeling which gestated there became a catalyst that transformed Wes and Shara’s indecision into decisiveness.

The biblical phrase comes to mind: “A little child shall lead them.”

My Best Night Yet ( Sunday, 16 May 1993) We pick Lauren up at Claire’s late this afternoon. She has spent the night there.

“This was my best night yet,” she announces as we’re driving home. “I didn’t miss you and Mom at all, and I slept well the whole night.”

One more tiny but important step out of the shelter of the home and into the numinous world of friends and adventures and independence. A small going forth on her part; a bit of letting go on ours. Mutual stretching.

Making Friends ( Monday, 17 May 1993) “How do you make friends so easily,” I ask Lauren this evening while we’re getting ready to brush our teeth.

“What do you mean?”

“I was talking with Mary the other day. She told me about taking you to Blue Mountain School Thursday afternoon, to rendezvous for Onya’s birthday party. She said that when you walked into the third-grade room, and Onya saw you, she gave you this warm smile and said kind of shyly, ‘Hi, Lauren,’ like she was really happy to see you. Then Onya asked you to help her with her after-school chores, because she wanted to be with you.

“And when Joyce and I picked you up at the party,” I continue, “it’s like you and Onya are best friends. Now, you’ve only met her twice, right? First at Abbie’s mom’s wedding; and then for a couple of hours at the Barter Faire. Now you’re real close and seem to like each other a lot. So what I’m wondering is, how do you make friends so easily?”

Lauren gives me a big grin and kind of shakes her head. “I don’t know.”

“Ah, come on. You must have some idea about why it’s so easy for you or how you do it?”

Another grin and shake of the head.

“Well, it’s a wonderful gift,” I say. “I’m happy for you.”

Later in the day, I glance at Tom’s Reader’s Digest and see an article entitled something like, “How To Help Your Children Make Friends.” I smile and shake my own head and don’t even bother to look at it.

The Pot of Gold ( Wednesday, 19 May 1993) Another round of Lauren wondering about wishes. I’m in the garden, weeding the onions. She’s beside me on the path, more or less helping, but mostly engaging me in conversation.

“What would you do if you found a pot of gold?” she asks.

“Well,” I reply, using my standard stalling word, “I can’t really think of anything I’d want to buy with it. So maybe I’d find a Genie somewhere and see if he’d be interested in trading me something for the gold.”

“What would you want to trade it for?” she says, dropping any pretense of helping me weed.

“I’d say, ‘Genie, I can’t figure out how to do all the things I want to do in any particular day. So maybe you could help me by either giving me some extra hours each day, or by showing me how to use the hours I already have more wisely. And if you’d help me do that, Genie, I’d give you this pot of gold.’”

“Hmm,” Lauren says, pondering my wish. I get the feeling it’s kind of a stretch for her, as though the concerns of a forty-seven-year-old aren’t quite in sync with those of a nine-year-old.

Then I ask what wish she’d like from the Genie in exchange for the pot of gold, and the make-believe goes on, with me being the Genie and she being the little girl. The Genie tells her that she can only have one wish, and that she has to really want it, and really believe that the Genie can make it come true.

“And the Genie’s going to give you a special test,” I say, “that you have to pass before you make your wish. Any Genie who’s worth a brass lamp doesn’t just give out wishes without a test. Do you want the test?”

She nods, cautiously.

“O.K. The test is that this particular gardening Genie needs some more tools from the tool shed. So I’ll tell you what the tools are, and you go get them for me. But I’ll only tell you what the tools are once, and you have to bring me exactly what I ask for in order to pass the test. No wrong tools, no missing tools, no extra tools. Do you still want to take it?”

She considers this a moment.

Then, “Dad, let’s step outside the game a minute. If we do this, you’ll get your tools. Real tools. But my wish will only be a pretend wish. Right?”

“Nope. Real tools, real wish.”

She considers some more.

“O.K. What are the tools?”

I name off 6 or 8 tools, slowly, one at a time, but only once. She listens carefully and heads up toward the tool shed. I go back to my weeding, wondering what kind of wild wish this rash Genie will be presented with if Lauren succeeds in passing the test.

Now I happen to believe that wishes not only can be answered, but are being answered–all the time. It’s just that we haven’t yet learned to recognize everything we’re wishing for, or to understand why we would ever have wished for some of the crazy things we get.

But that’s kind of high-falootin’ mumbo-jumbo for some Genie to lay on a nine-year-old. So this particular Genie is doing strong praying as he weeds his onions and waits for the little girl to get back with the tools.

He doesn’t have to wait long. Soon Lauren returns with a cartful of hoes and rakes and shovels. The Genie inspects them carefully, one by one.

“All right, little girl,” he says, with just a trace of trepidation. “You pass the test. What one wish do you want from the Genie?”

“I wish,” says the little girl, “that you’d be able to go for more walks with me and do more things with me.”

Short and to the point.

And obviously directed not to the magical Genie, but to the busy Dad. The busy Dad who, just a moment ago, had been willing to trade his own pot of gold for a few more hours or a bit more wisdom each day.

“Done!” says the Dad. “Your wish is granted. At the beginning of each week, you can ask me to do one not-too-huge extra project with you, or go on one not-too-outlandish special hike, and I will make room for your wish in my oh-so-busy week.”

Then the little girl thanks the Genie and hugs the Dad and runs off to play elsewhere.

The Genie feels a bit relieved; the wish could have been a lot harder to handle. And the Dad goes back to weeding the onions. But what he’s really wondering is, “Now how can I come up with that pot of gold that the Genie’s going to want in exchange for those few extra hours?”

This entry is part 15 of 20 in the series The Lofty Chronicles

~ Lauren’s Childhood at Light Morning ~

Part Eight: Learning How to Wish Wisely

Lauren and Pilar

Lauren and Pilar

Spring 1992

A Shared Love of Tolkien (Saturday, 6 March 1993) Joyce went to Virginia Beach with Wes and Shara this weekend to visit Kathey and her new-born. Lauren and I are continuing to read our bedtime story, which is currently the final volume of The Lord of the Rings. During this evening’s session, we arrive at one of the many passages that Joyce and I have loved over the years. As I begin to read it to her I wonder what, if any, response she’ll have.

At this point in the story, the quest has been completed. A company of travelers, including Gandalf, Elrond, Galadriel, and the hobbits, are returning to their respective homes. They have come near to the Gates of Moria.

Here now for seven days they tarried, for the time was at hand for another parting which they were loath to make. Soon, Celeborn and Galadriel and their folk would turn eastward… They had journeyed thus far by the west-ways, for they had much to speak of with Elrond and with Gandalf, and here they lingered to converse with their friends. Often long after the hobbits were wrapped in sleep they would sit together under the stars, recalling the ages that were gone and all their joys and labors in the world, or holding council, concerning the days to come.

If any wanderer had chanced to pass, little would he have seen or heard, and it would have seemed to him only that he saw gray figures, carved in stone, memorials of forgotten things now lost in unpeopled lands. For they did not move or speak with mouth, looking from mind to mind; and only their shining eyes stirred and kindled as their thoughts went to and fro.

“That’s neat!” Lauren exclaims, as I finish reading the passage to her.

I look up, strangely moved that she should be touched in much the same way that Joyce and I were so many years before. It’s a special moment when the love you feel for something is reflected back to you in the eyes of another.

I smile, nod, and return to the story.

Reaching For an Answer (Sunday, 7 March 1993) A woman named Bridget came by this morning after breakfast. Several of us are sitting on the deck of the community shelter with her, talking. It’s her second visit. She and her husband are building a house in Patrick Country and are having trouble with hostile neighbors. It’s hard to tell how much of the trouble is real and how much is a product of their paranoia. They had similar problems is North Carolina, before moving to Virginia.

Lauren’s on the porch with us for most of the conversation–climbing in the poplar tree; munching left-over popcorn; talking with Squid (a neighbor whose visit coincided with Bridget’s); or reading one of her books.

She listens as Bridget explains how they had ignored their real estate agent’s warnings about the neighborhood before they bought the land. Bridget is wondering what kind of security lights they might install. We discreetly suggest that perhaps it’s more a question of inner security, and that there might be some significance to the recurring pattern of being persecuted by their neighbors.

Later in the afternoon, Lauren is helping me gather firewood. As we’re carrying logs and branches to the saw buck, she asks, “Why do you think Bridget’s having the same problem here that she had in North Carolina?”

“That’s a good question,” I reply, instantly reaching for an answer. Metaphysical abstractions are clearly inappropriate. So where is something from her own experience that I can build upon? After drawing a momentary blank, the answer “comes” to me.

“Remember that wonderful magnet game you created the other day?” I ask.

I’m referring to one of Lauren’s recent projects. She took a large piece of heavy paper and drew houses and garages and stores on it, all connected by a network of streets. It was like an aerial view of a small village. Then she got a block of staples from the desk, broke off about an inch of it, and laid it flat-side down on one of the streets. This was her car.

Finally, she got out a large magnet. Holding the paper village in one hand, and moving the magnet around underneath it with the other, she caused her “car” to drive down the street, stop at one of the stores, and then return home, turn into the driveway, and park in the garage. It was fun to watch the vehicle moving magically through the village, seemingly of its own volition.

Lauren nods, remembering.

“Well,” I continue, “we’ve come to believe that everything we feel strongly about–all our hopes and fears and needs and beliefs–are like the magnet in that game of yours. You can’t see the magnet under the piece of paper; it’s hidden. And if you don’t know it’s there, the little car seems to be moving all by itself.

“Even if you do know the magnet’s there, the car looks like it’s moving all by itself. And if you look at the magnet and the car together, you still can’t see how it works, because you can’t see the magnetic connection between the magnet and the car; you can’t see that connection passing through the paper to make the car move. But we know the connection’s there, even if we can’t see it.

“Maybe it’s like that with Bridget. Maybe she has some deep fear about people doing bad things to her. Who knows where the fear came from? We don’t know her very well. But maybe her fear is like that magnet under your paper village. It caused her to move to that place in North Carolina where her neighbors were mean to her. Then she wanted to get away, so she drove to Virginia. But that magnet was still under her car, and it pulled her to the very place in Patrick country where she’d have to deal with mean neighbors again.

“It almost seems,” I conclude, “like the magnet’s playing a dirty trick on Bridget. She wanted to get away from the trouble in North Carolina, and she ends up right in the middle of more trouble in Virginia. But we can’t run away from trouble. And that’s a good thing, because we wouldn’t learn very much if we could just pack up and move away from our problems.

“So the magnet keeps drawing to us whatever we need to learn more about. But it doesn’t just bring hard, yucky things; it brings nice things, too. It’s a mighty strange and magical magnet, and all my words don’t hardly touch on how mysterious it is. But that game you invented is a wonderful way to think about how it works.”

We go back to hauling logs and branches. Not wanting my words to outlast Lauren’s interest, I don’t go on to say that the magnet of my sudden need for an answer to her question about Bridget had drawn the image of her game to me, or that perhaps Jesus had been probing the mysteries of magnetism when he said, “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened.”

The Grace Thing ( Monday, 8 March 1993) Joyce, Lauren, and I are walking up to the community shelter for lunch. “Remember how I used to open my eyes and look around during the grace thing?” Lauren asks, seemingly out of the blue.

“You mean during the silent grace circle before our meals?”

“Yeah. Now I’m not doing that so much any more.”

“What are you doing instead?”

“Well, you know,” she says, with an embarrassed shrug. “Sort of saying thanks.”

After lunch, Joyce and Lauren continue the conversation while working in the garden. They talked about the difference between “sending out” and “receiving” thoughts and energy. Lauren says that she isn’t sure sometimes whether what she’s “receiving” is coming from her own mind or from someplace else.

Joyce acknowledges that she has a similar problem trying to evaluate her own “input.” Later, Joyce tells me she had been surprisingly touched by the exploration of a shared growing edge with her daughter.

Piece, Niece, Geese ( Friday, 19 March 1993) Lauren is reading Freddy the Detective to herself. It’s a series I enjoyed at her age. She looks over at me. “What does p-i-e-c-e spell?”

“Piece,” I tell her. “It’s part of a family of words that all sound the same. Like fall, ball, wall. Piece and niece, for example, sound the same and are spelled the same, with just a different first letter for each word.”

Then, reaching for further illustrations, my associative mind betrays me down a path strewn with deviant misfits.

“Piece, niece, geese,” I find myself saying. “Fleece. Peace. Crease.”

“Yikes!” I conclude lamely. “You sure picked a good word to show how crazy the English language can be. No wonder kids like you, and people from different countries, have such a hard time learning how to read and write so-called ‘plain English.’”

Jumping on Couches and Kids ( Friday, 19 March 1993) It’s lunchtime. Maybe it’s cabin fever (having been cooped up inside for a long string of wet, chilly days), but Lauren’s energy level seems stuck on overdrive. She doesn’t walk to the table to get more carrot sticks; she runs! Then runs back to her seat on the couch, arriving at her destination by way of a flying leap.

“Lauren!” I say, my exasperation clinging to her name. “How many times do we have to tell you?! Please don’t jump on the furniture like that. It tears the fabric and busts up the springs.”

She looks at me calmly for a moment. Then, with disarming frankness, replies, “It’s nice to have a few things to do that adults don’t like.”

Her candor startles me into empathy.

“Yeah,” I say slowly, “I guess if I lived in a world filled with big people, each with a long list of do’s and don’ts, I might feel the same.”

“And if someone’s really been getting on my case,” she continues, in the same calm tone, “I might do one of those things just to get back at them.”

“I know what that feels like,” I reply. “I do it myself once in a while. But it doesn’t work; it just escalates things.”

“I know,” she says, “but sometimes I do it anyway.”

Playing the incident back through my mind after lunch, I remember a journal entry from a couple of years ago. I search for it in the computer and find it. It’s from March of 1991. “Tonight as we’re coming down from the Community Shelter and Lauren is prancing around, running off some of her prodigious energy, she says, ‘I must have been born with a lot of jump in me, because I love to jump and run around so much.’”

The Great Curlers Experiment (Joyce, Lauren, Marlene)

The Great Curlers Experiment (Joyce, Lauren, Marlene)

Lauren’s New “Do” ( Saturday, 20 March 1993) Marlene’s been setting her hair with curlers now and then. Lauren got intrigued and asked Joyce to pick her up a set. Joyce did so. This afternoon the three of them come down to the house all grins and giggles, Lauren be-decked with curlers. It’s an odd sight. I grab my camera and pose them on our back porch for a quick picture.

At supper, Lauren shows up in her new “do.” We all do a double-take, then smile appreciatively at the long, curly locks. Her hair looks good, but somehow strange, too. It reminds me of her recent comments about a “shrunken teenager.”

Lauren apparently has mixed feelings herself. After spending quite a while in front of the mirror, eying herself from every conceivable angle, she finally decides, with a wrinkle of her nose, that she doesn’t much like it. She’s happy to have her normal hair back again the next morning and allows as how she’ll “never do that again.”

So I recorded the “before (in curlers)” look for posterity, but never had the chance to get a photo of the curls themselves.

Bedtime Stories ( Monday, 22 March 1993) Lauren has been lobbying today for a re-read of the Riddle Master trilogy. I tell her that it seems like we just read it recently, but promise to look up the list of her bedtime stories in my journal.

I do so, and discover that our last reading of Riddle Master was longer ago than I thought. So her lobbying is successful and we’ll start the first volume tonight. It’s a hard choice: re-reading an old favorite or exploring a new book. We just finished re-reading another old favorite, The Lord of the Rings.

The following list is our bedtime stories from the past year. It doesn’t include the huge number of books that all of us have read to her during the daytime hours, nor the books she’s read to herself. And the list may be somewhat incomplete. We tried to reconstruct it from memory, and probably missed a few.

The Prince and the Pauper, Twain
The Dark is Rising, Cooper
Abbey Burgess: Lighthouse Heroine, Jones & Sargeant
The Lord of the Rings (three volumes), Tolkien

Broken Record ( Friday, 26 March 1993) Lauren’s helping me cook. She’s making a funny, repetitive, stuttering sound with her voice. “Don’t I sound like a broken record?” she asks.

“Almost, but not quite,” I reply, wondering where she picked up the phrase. “The sound needs to be more abrupt and insistent.”

Then a wild thought flashes through my mind.

“Lauren, have you ever seen a record?”

She pauses.

“I don’t think so. Maybe I saw one on TV one time.”

Her response rocks me. Somehow, having Lauren grow up with computers, a technology that was inconceivable in my youth, doesn’t pack nearly the same punch as suddenly realizing that the LP and 45 records that I grew up with and loved as a child have become an abstract museum piece to my daughter.

At least Lauren has played with the wonderful little Hermes typewriter that I wrote all my college papers on and that now gathers dust in the loft of the community shelter. She has never even seen a record. Her entire exposure to music has come through cassette tapes.

Amazing!

What’s Dynamic? ( Monday, 29 March 1993) Joyce is sharing an amusingly bizarre story she heard on the radio today. An engaged couple is in a serious car wreck. The woman is hospitalized in critical condition. Her fiancé, though, is pronounced dead at the scene of the accident and is transported to the morgue.

The reports of the man’s death, however, are apparently premature. For he “wakes up” to find himself enclosed in a cold metal box. Horrified by the sudden realization of his predicament, he starts to scream. The startled morgue attendants hear the muffled cries and rush to release him.

According to this supposedly true story, he is then conveyed to the bedside of his fiancée, who, having previously been informed of his death, refuses to believe her eyes. She is certain that she is either hallucinating, or has gone to heaven and is being met by the one she loves. None of his passionate words can convince her, at first, that he is standing before her in the flesh.

Joyce concludes the story with a laugh, saying, “This couple’s dynamic was certainly different from Robert’s and mine. Can you imagine Robert telling me something and me adamantly refusing to believe him?”

Then Lauren, who has been listening to the story, pipes up. “Mom, what’s ‘dynamic’?”

Her question triggers a long talk about the qualities of being projective and receptive in relationships between men and women, between children and adults, and between Lauren’s younger friends and her older friends. Interesting how a funny story can open doors into important questions.

Snowmelt (Friday, 2 April 1993) Joyce conveys a disturbing piece of environmental news today. Perhaps I’ve become inured to most of the ecological hazards facing us. We try to remain aware of the vast web of effects that our attitudes and actions have upon the planet, and to keep adjusting our lifestyle accordingly. In some ways we’ve made significant changes; in others, we still have far to go. But ironically, the very act of keeping in touch with the litany of environmental crises hardens us to them. Familiarity breeds, if not contempt, at least a tough skin. Part of our emotional self-defense.

In this area of the country, for example, there’s a growing problem with acid rain. Being downwind from the huge coal-fired generating plants in the Ohio River valley, our streams and forests and farms are becoming increasingly acidified. Trees and aquatic creatures are already dying. And we don’t begin to know the full effects of it as yet. It’s an affliction, moreover, from which there is no easy release, given this culture’s voracious appetite for electricity.

But again, the more pressing a problem is, and the more we hear about it, the less of an impact it seems to have. Unless it happens to slip in through a side door of our awareness; through a chink in our emotional armor.

Joyce’s report has to do with one of the after-effects of our recent blizzard. We were snowed in for almost a week. The enormous snowplow clearing our local road broke down in a great drift by the pond and had to be dragged away by another monstrous machine. It was a wonderful storm.

Lauren, Becky, and Nathan dug “dens” in the snow banks by the driveway–large, cave-like rooms beneath the solid crust, connected by smaller passageways. The hills and houses and woods and fields were all blanketed in white. After the elemental fury of the storm, which meteorologists now believe was an off-season hurricane, the world felt quiet, peaceful, pristine.

Then came some warm March days. The snow melted, swelling the streams, causing minor flooding in Roanoke. And, according to the news account that Joyce is telling us about, killing most of the trout that had just been stocked in the Roanoke River. It wasn’t the runoff itself that had killed the fish, she explains. It was the melted snow’s high level of acidity. The trout had succumbed to what the biologists were describing as “acid snow.”

It is this phrase, “acid snow,” which somehow pierces my emotional armor. I remember the small, speckled brook trout I once caught with my bare hands in Free State Creek. Lauren and I had been enchanted by their glistening beauty as we watched them swim around in a small pool we constructed for them by the edge of the stream.

Then I recall Lauren and the other kids, just after the blizzard, tunneling into the snow drifts with flushed, laughing faces, pausing only to refresh themselves with great gulps of powdery snow. Then I see, in my mind’s eye, scores of trout floating belly-up in the snow-swollen Roanoke River.

“My god!” I exclaim, with a sickening sense of apprehension, “what have we done to the snow?”

Dear Mom ( Sunday, 4 April 1993) One of Lauren’s friends spent the night. They’ve been playing together all day. At one point, after the two girls have gone up to the community shelter to swing on the grape vine swing, or maybe conduct an archaeological dig in an early Poff family midden, Joyce finds a note from Lauren on her desk.

“Dear Mom,” it reads. “Why is my friend so downhearted? How do you get people to cheer up? Love, Lauren.”

At the bottom of the note she has written, “P.S. I love you and Dad and I love me.”

The Flip Side of John Gatto (Wednesday, 7 April 1993) We have received in the mail a “complimentary” copy of the maiden issue of a glossy new home schooling magazine. It has a Christian focus. Much of the home schooling momentum in Virginia and elsewhere derives from the fundamentalists’ dismay over what they perceive as a tilt on the part of public schools toward humanism.

These Christian home-schooling advocates are in the vanguard of those lobbying the legislature to protect and extend the rights of families to home school their children. We have certainly benefited from their efforts over the years. When we first came to Virginia, for example, it was illegal to educate your children yourself. Briah and the other kids had to duck down in the seats of the car when we’d drive through our little town during school hours, so that we wouldn’t end up in court facing truancy charges. Now home schooling is a legally sanctioned option.

One of the articles in this magazine is about college-level home study courses. The author describes a woman who is midway through home schooling her ten(!) children. Her pattern is to have the kids receive their high school equivalency diploma at age 11; their B.A. degree at age 15; and a Masters degree at age 16. After that, they’re on their own.

I don’t know which aspect of the story impresses Joyce and I more–the woman’s admirable tenacity, or her frightening inflexibility. It certainly feels like the flip side of John Gatto. Not that a learner-led child may not go on to get a Masters degree at age 16; but that all ten children should “choose” to do so hints at a zealous and probably overbearing parental agenda.

Pile of Four Girls (Lauren, Claire, Rose, Kindra)

Pile of Four Girls (Lauren, Claire, Rose, Kindra)

This entry is part 14 of 20 in the series The Lofty Chronicles

~ Lauren’s Childhood at Light Morning ~

Part Seven: Gifts and Synchronicities
(continued)

Lauren barring the door
Lauren barring the door

Winter 1992 (continued)

I Told You! (Monday, 25 January 1993) Lauren’s on another reading binge. Our current bedtime story is The Lord of the Rings. Tom’s reading one of  The Narnia Chronicles and an Indian book to her. Ron’s reading her Tom Sawyer. And she’s been reading The Canada Geese Quilt to me, and Little House in the Big Woods and Alice in Wonderland to herself.

This evening she asks to be excused from the supper circle after a hasty meal and immediately curls up in an armchair with Alice in Wonderland.

“I told you this day would come!” she crows, then disappears into her story.

A Shrunken Teenager (Wednesday, 3 February 1993) Last night we celebrated Candlemas. A nice evening, with equal parts of music, candle ceremony, treats, and chatting. One of Lauren’s friends joined us and the two of them went outside with Ron during the candle ceremony/meditation, parading lighted candles through the garden.

This morning, while cleaning up the community shelter, we discover some clothing in the loft. Lauren’s friend had gone there to change into play clothes soon after having arrived last night. Among the tangle of clothes is a small, black, lacy bra.

“Is this your friend’s?” Joyce asks.

“Yeah,” replies Lauren. “She also has this lacy black underwear. And she stuffs socks in her bra to make her breasts look bigger.”

We nod noncommittally.

“She gets all dressed up like that, and puts on all this makeup, and she looks like…” Lauren pauses, searching for the right word. “She looks like a shrunken teenager or something.”

We all laugh, remembering Lauren’s occasional flirtations with make-up, and the awkwardness and experimentation of our own pre-teen years. Now, as parents, we get to re-experience it as our children embark upon their own tumultuous journeys through adolescence. As one of Light Morning’s basic working premises goes, “Anything unresolved from the past is re-created in the present.” I’m sure we’ll have plenty of opportunities for laughter and assimilation in the years ahead.

Hand Springs (Saturday, 6 February 1993) We’re walking down from the community shelter this evening. Moonlight over the garden. Lauren is practicing hand springs. She’s got cartwheels down and has recently been urging Joyce to help her learn to do hand springs. Apparently Joyce’s instructions are working.

“My best one yet!!” Lauren cries out, after utilizing a slight downhill slope to gather enough momentum to flip over and land on her feet.

She’s loving gymnastics, martial arts, and tree climbing these days. Other favorite activities include painting, crocheting, sewing, playing with her dolls, and modeling a whole family of wonderful little creatures out of colored clay.

And, of course, reading.

How Does the World Need Me? (Sunday, 7 February 1993) Last night we sat around the shelter talking with Sarah, Alice’s firstborn, who spent the weekend with us. She needed to be away from home for a while and get some perspective on her life. She’s a junior in high school and is full of questions and emotions and awareness. She stayed at Windwian, our guest cabin, talked with various ones of us, and also spent some time alone.

Anyway, we got talking about how ever since she was a young child, she has been deeply touched by the beauty of the Earth. We reminisced about her first walk out to Yoga Knoll, when she was three or four years old.

“How beautiful it is!” she had said in a hushed tone. “How beautiful it is!” And her eyes had brimmed with tears of wonder at the sweep of the hills across the valley.

Then our conversation turned to the special gifts each of us has, and how deeply the Earth needs these gifts.

Lauren, throughout this talk, was over in a corner reading a book, paying no apparent attention to what we were saying. But we’ve come to know better. Her antenna is always up. It’s almost frightening how totally tuned in she is to the nuances of her environment, and especially to the words and emotions of her parents.

This morning, after I’ve gone up to stoke the fire in the shelter, Lauren is wondering aloud to Joyce.

“How does the world need me?” she muses.

“I think,” she continues, more to herself than to Joyce, “I think the world needs my drawing.”

This apparently satisfies her for the moment and she goes on about her day.

A Humongous Jump (Wednesday, 10 February 1993) Lauren is recounting her morning’s dream to me.

“Some big kids are picking on one of my friends–a girl. Teasing her. So I run at them and jump on one of them and hold on tight. They run, and I keep hanging on to the one I jumped on. Then the one I’m hanging on to makes this humongous jump, about ten or fifteen feet high, and twists around in the air and lands like it’s a karate jump. And I still hang on tight!

Mending a Friendship (Wednesday, 10 February 1993) I’ve been feeling like Sisyphus lately, in relation to Lauren’s friendship with Becky. It’s a friendship that I’ve been trying to nurture for quite a while, frequently inviting Lauren to accompany me when I visit Becky’s parents, and occasionally initiating a visit just for that purpose.

Becky’s a nice kid , she lives next door, and, like the other children in that family, she home schools. Their age difference (Lauren’s going on 9, Becky’s 11 or 12) doesn’t seem to matter much. They enjoy each other’s company.

Last fall, however, their friendship hit a rough spot. Becky mentioned to Lauren that she thought that another girl in the neighborhood was strange in some ways. Lauren inappropriately passed this on to the other girl, with some embellishment, and it ended up getting back to Becky, who, understandably, was hurt and angry.

This was compounded by a misunderstood remark that Lauren made at a party. Then Becky’s mom’s parental protectiveness was triggered, and she got angry, and let Lauren know about it.

All this began to surface just before our trip to California. It wasn’t until we had returned, and the rush of Christmas had passed, that I could turn to it. By then, the trail (of figuring out what had happened), as well as the friendship, had grown quite cold.

My initial reaction is one of frustration and regret. I feel like Joyce feels when one of her important plantings–a shrub or a cluster of flowers in which she’s invested a sizable amount of energy–gets mowed down by the deer. Then I realize that this is also a perfect opportunity to explore the importance of friendship and the process of problem-solving and conflict resolution.

So I invite Lauren to visit Becky’s family with me one evening. She wrestles with her reluctance and, after a considerable struggle, is able to overcome it. Once there, I encourage Becky and Lauren and the other kids to share what had happened, and what their feelings about it are.

Lauren is pretty uncomfortable, parking herself right next to me the whole evening. But overall it goes well. Everyone finally being able to talk things over and sort their feelings out seems to break the ice.

Over the next couple of weeks we visit several more times, each visit being a little easier. Now the two girls are happily playing together again, the wounds have seemingly healed, and with the healing has come a renewed appreciation of how important friends are. Lauren and Becky’s willingness to mend their friendship has paid off numerous times in recent weeks–as they rendezvous at the horse pasture; or go sledding by the back barn; or make plans to practice witchcraft together in one of our unused cabins, once the weather warms up.

Mom (by Lauren)

Mom (by Lauren)

Profiles (Thursday, 11 February 1993) Lauren’s been drawing profiles lately, eagerly following Joyce’s artistic tips. Here are a couple of her nicest ones.

Sentient Beings? (Wednesday, 17 February 1993) The Radford Army arsenal, thirty-some miles to the west of us, blew up this afternoon. Joyce and I were working upstairs when we heard a rumble like thunder in the blue sky and felt our house tremble. We knew immediately what had happened. There have been similar explosions in the past.

At supper tonight, Ron says, “I heard on the news that the nitro-glycerin that blew up in that room at the arsenal today was all being handled by robots, and that no one was hurt.”

“That’s good,” we reply, recalling that some of the prior explosions had resulted in fatalities.

There’s a moment of silence. Then Lauren says,” Do robots have feelings?”

Dad (by Lauren)

Dad (by Lauren)

We all smile. I associated to the Star Wars trilogy, one of Lauren’s favorite stories, which she listens to on the tape player and occasionally watches on the VCR. She’s doubtless thinking about the two personable robots in those movies, C3PO and R2-D2. Lauren’s affection for them has probably been translated into a concern for the robots at the arsenal, which has caused her to question our assertion that, “No one was hurt in the explosion.”

We grownups perhaps too easily dismiss such child-like empathy as merely anthropomorphic. Yet Lauren’s question (“Do robots have feelings?”) is an important one. For other, related questions come from the same place. “Do animals raised for food have feelings? Do the live trees we cut for firewood have feelings? Do the fish and birds and seals killed by an oil spill have feelings?” And if these creatures do have feelings, do they also have rights?

Why is it easier for children to ask these questions than it is for adults? Even when grownups do ask such questions, they are generally asked not from the heart but from the head. Maybe children more easily identify with other creatures having feelings and rights because their own feelings and rights often go unacknowledged by the giants with whom they live. Or perhaps children are still open to an innate empathy, a spontaneous compassion, which has not yet been covered over by layer upon layer of responsibilities, guilts, and vested interests.

We have much to learn from such seemingly naive questions. In this so-called civilized world, we grant few if any rights to other-than-human species. And we routinely dehumanize those members of our own species who differ from us in color, status, or belief, the more easy to commit atrocities upon them.

With the planet giving us increasingly painful feedback for these follies, we may need to become again as little children and to ask, from the depths of our hearts, some rather simple, child-like questions.

Sowin’ on the Mountain (Thursday, 18 February 1993) “What does that mean?” Lauren asks.

We’re doing dishes after lunch. I’ve been singing, “Sowin’ on the Mountain,” an old folk song that I grew up listening to as a kid. The chorus goes,

Sowin’ on the mountain, reapin’ in the valley,
Sowin’ on the mountain, reapin’ in the valley,
Sowin’ on the mountain, reapin’ in the valley,
You’re gonna reap just what you sow.

“That line about sowing on the mountain and reaping in the valley,” she continues. “I don’t understand what that means. And why does the song say we’re going to reap just what we sow?”

“Well,” I reply, unconsciously stalling for time, “maybe it means that everything that we think and feel and say is like seeds. And we’re constantly planting these seeds in our heads and hearts–or, like the song puts it, on the ‘mountain.’ But then our thoughts and feelings keep on growing and growing, just like regular seeds do when you plant them in the garden. And they finally get so big that they turn into all the things that we see and touch and experience in the world around us–in the ‘valley.’”

I watch as she dries some silverware, wondering how I’m sizing my reply. Lauren’s spiritual (for want of a better word) education is like the rest of her education-it’s largely child-led. She listens to what we talk about, watches what we do. And sometimes, generally at the most unexpected moments, she asks a question. Our responses, of course, can’t be thought out beforehand. One just has to wing it.

“So maybe the song is reminding us to pay attention to our thoughts and feelings,” I conclude. “Because whatever’s happening to us down here in the valley has a lot to do with the seeds we’ve been sowing on the mountain. Just like we’ll eat different kinds of food out of our garden this summer, depending on whether we plant carrot and tomato seeds this spring, or briars and jimson weed.”

She turns my words over in her mind while she picks up another wooden bowl from the dish drainer and slowly dries it.

“And it’s not just that we reap what we sow,” she finally says. “We also sow what we reap.”

Now it’s my turn to wash the last of the dishes and think things over.

“Are you talking about saving seeds?” I ask.

“Yeah. We get the seeds we’re going to sow next year from what we harvest this year.”

“Good point,” I say, emptying the dish pans and giving the sink one last swipe with the sponge. “I hadn’t thought about it quite like that before, but you’re right, it does work both ways. Maybe we’ll have to make up another verse for that song.”

Dream Bleed-Through (Friday, 26 February 1993) Lauren’s telling her dream from last night:

“There’s this mouse we’ve caught, and she’s laying on a board or something in the portico. She isn’t running away or anything. She’s perfectly content. Then somebody sees that she’s a little pregnant mousie and says, ‘Oh, great!’ Because we’ll have to keep her for a while because it’s cold weather.”

Later this morning, in waking life, Joyce finds four little dehydrated mice as she’s sorting through her fabric supply. The tiny, mummified remains resulted from our month-long trip to California. Mice got into our cabin while we were away and reproduced rapidly. The mother mouse was probably among those we live-trapped and transported down the road upon our return. Her babies had been too small to survive on their own.

A curious “bleed-through” between Lauren’s dream and the waking world.

The “F” Stamp (Friday, 26 February 1993) Just before the lunchtime grace circle, Lauren had been rummaging through the stamp drawer. She’s been interested in stamps lately, asking us to save any unusual ones on our incoming mail. As we sit down to eat, she holds up one that she’d found in the drawer.

“This U.S. stamp,” she reads, “along with 25 cents of additional U.S. postage… What does that mean? What kind of a stamp is this?”

“It’s called an ‘F’ stamp,” someone says, and starts to explain.

“A what?!!” Lauren asks, with a giggle.

“An ‘F’ stamp.”

“That’s what I thought you said.” Another, louder giggle.

We smile, catching her drift. She immediately associated to slang usage. Kid lingo. The infamous and ultimately titillating “F Word.”

“If you have a 25-cent stamp,” the explainer tries to continue, “you can use it with one of these ‘F’ stamps…”

But that’s all the further he gets.

I’m not going to be using any ‘F’ stamp,” Lauren interrupts with a laugh, tossing it aside in mock repudiation.

We join in her laughter.

And I find myself appreciating anew having Lauren’s pre-teen (as well as Tom’s seventy-something) perspective in this family. They both provide a marvelous tonic to the sometimes myopic concerns of us forty- and fifty-year-olds.

This entry is part 13 of 20 in the series The Lofty Chronicles

~ Lauren’s Childhood at Light Morning ~

Part Seven: Gifts and Synchronicities

Lauren's gear

Lauren's gear

Winter 1992

The Worst Day of My Life (Tuesday, 1 December 1992) We’re in California, helping celebrate my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Today, however, is Lauren’s big day. We’re on our way to visit Nat, the boy who took such an interest in her last summer when she and Joyce spent a week at the Augusta Heritage Center in West Virginia, where Joyce had been an assistant calligraphy instructor. Some correspondence between Nat and Lauren followed, and this visit was arranged.

As we approach his neighborhood, Lauren’s eagerness and apprehension increase visibly.

“This is the worst day of my life,” she mutters, as we turn onto the street where Nat lives. Her smile, however, tells a different story.

During the first five minutes of the visit, as we talk with Nat’s parents, Lauren sticks close beside us. Then Nat and his younger brothers draw her into their play. Nat’s mother quietly tells us that he never really got over his infatuation with Lauren after meeting her this summer.

Soon Nat’s brothers start teasing him about Lauren. And when Lauren shyly opens a present from him, and finds a necklace, the teasing becomes merciless.

“Nat L-O-V-E-S’s Lauren. Nat L-O-V-E-S’s Lauren.”

Fortunately (or perhaps by design), when we sit down for lunch there aren’t quite enough places at the table for everyone. So Nat’s mother kindly sets a small table for two, off in a corner of the room, where Lauren and Nat can eat in peace and chat together quietly. After lunch, his father takes Joyce and I and the two kids off for several hours to hike in the nearby hills. We walk and talk and throw a football around and get to know one another.

So the day turns out to be a pleasant one. Not nearly the worst of her life, Lauren readily agrees. In fact, she later gives her aunt and uncle quite a warm account of her visit with Nat.

“He’s not a boyfriend, though,” she carefully points out, perhaps to forestall the type of teasing she saw Nat receive. “He’s a friend who’s a boy.”

Sign Language (Friday, 11 December 1992) We’re visiting my cousin Lisa in Flagstaff, Arizona, on our way back from Hope and Caleb’s 50th wedding anniversary celebration. Early in the visit, Lauren discovers that Lisa is taking a course in American Sign Language. Immediately intrigued, she asks Lisa to teach her the finger-spelling signs for the alphabet. Lisa does so, then lets Lauren use some of her course material.

Ever since, Lauren has been immersed in her books and practice. It isn’t unusual for me to leave a conversation in the living room and head up the stairs, only to find Lauren nestled on a step, half-way up, deep in her studies.

Today Lisa takes us to some Anasazi ruins at Lomaki. Lauren is only barely willing to leave the sign language book in the car when we go to explore the site. After a lovely hike through the enchanting, snow-covered ruins, we return to the car.

“Now I can get back to my conversation,” Lauren exclaims, diving back into her book.

Then she explains that she’s practicing for a sign language conversation that she’ll be having with some deaf people in the Chicago train station on our way home in several days.

[Sure enough, settling in for the lay-over in Chicago several days later, we find ourselves next to someone who "happens" to know sign language. She has a deaf grandchild. And as soon as she leaves for her train, someone else sits down who also knows sign language. So perhaps Lauren, who engaged both women in hand talk, had a prophetic guess; or perhaps her intense interest attracted what she wanted; or maybe Chicago's "Union" Station is a hotbed of synchronicity. Joyce and I still recall with wonder our Thanksgiving communion with the nun from Milwaukee in this very station on our way out west. Yet another so-called chance encounter.]

The ABC’s of Home Schooling (Saturday, 12 December 1992) We’re nearing the end of our visit with Lisa. Lauren calls me over to the mirror, where she’s practicing her finger-spelling.

“Do you want to play learning?” she asks.

“Sure.”

And she proceeds to teach me the alphabet.

While learning my visual ABC’s, I’m struck by the power of what’s happening. The phrase “home schooling” doesn’t feel appropriate. “Home learning” is a bit better. Or “home education,” in the root sense of education meaning to draw forth.

It’s so exquisitely ironic! Here I stand with my daughter, in front of a mirror, learning my ABC’s. I’m not teaching her the ABC’s; she’s teaching me. And she has learned them entirely on her own, either from books or from what she has begged out of Lisa.

Talk about child-led learning! This is a prime example.

From what mysterious depths did her impulse come, to be so powerful and insistent?

And now I recall her peculiar phrasing as she invited me to join her: “Do you want to play learning?”

Learning not as drudgery or rote. Not as something demanded by another. But learning as play, so that, “come learn with me” and “come play with me” become indistinguishable. And then having the gift of sufficient free time to follow her interest wherever it takes her, no matter how fleeting or consuming the impulse may turn out to be.

This is the flavor of true education–a seamless, sparkling garment in which all distinctions between work and play, living and learning, parent and child, teacher and student, are effortlessly dissolved into a contagion of enthusiasm.

Stone Fox (Tuesday, 22 December 1992) On the last leg of our return journey from California, riding the Cardinal from Chicago to Virginia, Lauren befriended a girl about her age. (This, by the way, has been a consistently enriching aspect of our journey–the presence of other children on the train, and Lauren’s easy friend-making ability.) At one point, Lauren’s new companion brought a book back to the seat where they were sitting and started reading it aloud.

Her reading level was a bit beyond Lauren’s. Joyce and I kept casual tabs on the scene, wondering what Lauren’s reaction would be. Would she feel disconcerted by the discrepancy between their reading abilities? Or would she feel challenged in a competitive sort of way? Or would she be indifferent? I doubted it would be the latter reaction, since Lauren was keeping an eagle eye on her friend’s face and book throughout the reading session.

A day or two after returning home, Lauren receives in the mail a book called Sarah Plain and Tall. It’s the latest in a series of Weekly Reader books that have been coming the past year, thanks to a subscription from her grandparents Joe and Sandy. The earlier books had been beyond Lauren’s ability, so we’d placed them on a book shelf to await her ripened interest.

After supper, on the same day this book arrives, we go to Ron and Marlene’s to watch a video. Lauren’s not particularly interested in our fare, so she tromps down to the little TV. in the basement to see what she can find. Much to her amazement (and ours) she tunes in to a movie version of Sarah Plain and Tall!

The next day, be it coincidental or causal, whether related to her friend on the train or to the overlapping of her new book and the made-for-TV movie, Lauren shows a sudden interest in the Weekly Reader books. Going over to the book shelf where they’ve been patiently waiting, she picks one out and asks Joyce to help her read it. It’s called Stone Fox.

So Joyce and Lauren develop a pattern of sitting down in a big chair together each afternoon. Lauren holds the book and reads the words she knows, turning to Joyce for help with the unfamiliar words. All of us are astonished by how much she already knows and how rapidly she picks up the new vocabulary.

Even more important, Lauren is deeply engrossed in the story, commenting on it as she goes along, and crying at the bittersweet ending. There’s no question of whether she’s comprehending what she’s reading. And as soon as she finishes Stone Fox, she chooses another, The Canada Geese Quilt, and asks me to help her with it.

Feels like another of those learning spurts.

Book Reader (by Lauren)

Book Reader (by Lauren)

Reading and Drawing (Wednesday, 6 January 1993) Lauren shows me a picture she has just finished. It’s such a lovely blend of two of her strong interests–reading and drawing–that I’m including it here.

Money! (Friday, 8 January 1993) Joyce, Lauren, and I are having a problem-solving session. Lauren’s wanting to make some money. Her parents are looking for more help around the house. The mutually agreeable solution that we arrive at is to set a minimum amount of time per week that Lauren will devote to household chores, and beyond that she can do additional jobs for pay.

She’s excited by this solution and immediately starts pestering us about what needs doing. So we come up with a job list– sweeping, gathering kindling, washing windows, packaging calligraphy–and she gets busy.

This afternoon she looks up from sweeping the floor and glances at the clock.

“I need to work another 17 minutes,” she enthuses, “then I won’t have to work for the next three weeks. Or if I do work, man, I get paid for it. Money! Money! Money!”

Becoming a Goose (Monday, 11 January 1993) Lauren’s telling me one of her dreams from last night.

“I’m running away from these people who are chasing me. Then I just know I should turn around. So I turn around and run straight at them! When I hit them, I fall down. Then I start to feel this THUMP, like the beat of a goose’s wings in my chest or something. Then I see a flock of geese flying over, and I seem to be one of these geese. And that’s the end.”

“When do you become aware that you’re a goose?” I ask.

“It’s like all my life I knew I’d be a goose, but I just didn’t know when. And it was when I hit who was chasing me and fell down that I became one.”

“How did you know to turn around and run toward the people who were chasing you?”

“I just knew somehow that when these two guys with sticks were chasing me, that if I turned around and ran right toward them, right toward the middle of them, that I’d turn into a goose and be able to get away.”

The Charm Bracelet (Monday, 11 January 1993) I don’t quite know how to begin this entry. Bizarre, strange, synchronous–all the words have already been used, attempting to describe similar experiences in the recent past. One incident in particular looms up, casting a brilliant shadow of deja vu across me as I write. It’s a September afternoon. Lauren and I have stopped at Smith’s Store to buy apples. Lauren finds a small scrap of paper on the ground…

No, I remind myself. This is January. I haven’t just returned from Smith’s Store. I’m sitting at my computer, recovering from yet another plunge into the inexplicable universe. The encounter, now just minutes old, replays itself before my closed eyes:

Lauren’s playing quietly downstairs.

“Hey, Dad,” she calls up, “want to see something strange.”

I register some feelings of anxiety, perhaps triggered by a subtle tone in her voice.

“Haven’t we been here before,” I think.

“Sure,” I reply, wondering what it’s going to be this time.

She comes up the stairs.

“Look at this, will you?”

And she hands me a charm bracelet.

Three or four years ago, Ron’s sister Diane had this charm bracelet in her house, along with several other items that she used for entertaining small children. Ron felt that Diane’s stash was a pretty good idea, so he collected some similar trinkets for Lauren and Rosie, who was living here at the time, to play with when they came by to visit.

Shortly thereafter, Diane gave Ron the charm bracelet. Lauren immediately begged it off him, and it’s been kicking around her room ever since.

She places it in my hand.

“Take a look at it,” she says again.

I do so, noticing that six or eight charms hang from the well-made chain. There’s a little bell, a pair of scissors, a barrel and a goblet, all of silver. Looking closer, I see a small disk with a spinner-type arrow on it. In tiny letters, at the top of the disk, it says Lie Detector. Around the circumference are the words, True…False…True…False…

“It’s nice,” I say, wondering what she’s getting at.

“Look at the clasp.”

I run the bracelet through my fingers, the various charms feeling like beads on a rosary, until I reach the clasp. The side facing me is blank; just plain burnished silver. So I turn it over. There, engraved in neat capital letters on the inner, hidden side of the clasp, is a single word: ADAM.

I stare at it for a few moments in total, mute astonishment. Then I’m suddenly back on the porch of Smith’s Store, bending over a tiny scrap of paper that Lauren has just picked up off the ground and is holding up to me on the tip of her finger, a scrap of paper with a single work printed on it-ADAM.

The paper turns into the clasp of a charm bracelet; but the word remains.

“That’s too much,” I finally manage to say.

She nods and smiles.

“When did you first see it?” I ask.

“Just now.”

“You’ve played with this charm bracelet all these years and you only just now noticed that word?”

She nods again.

I shake my head (probably a subliminal shield of denial) and hand the charm bracelet back to her. She returns to her play, taking her charmed life with her, leaving me poised over the keyboard of my computer, staring into inner space, pondering the imponderable.

This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series A Healing Impulse

~ Moving Toward an Open Hearted Community ~

When A Healing Impulse was published in the Fall 1999 issue Communities Magazine, it was accompanied by the following article, in which Daniel and Cecile outline the three basic steps of the Open Hearted Listening process.

About Open Hearted Listening

by Daniel Little and Cecile Green

Open Hearted Listening is a simple, practical method for developing empathy. It offers an opportunity for two or more people to navigate through difficult issues to a place of mutual compassion and connection, once they have learned the technique and have agreed to use it in their relationships.

The process has three steps. First, someone who is in emotional distress (called the “speaker”) asks the person who may seem to be causing their distress (the “listener”) if they are willing to listen with an open heart. This sets the stage for the practice of Open Hearted Listening, by invoking the previously made agreement.

In the second step, the speaker tells his or her story, while the listener receives it and then reflects or “mirrors” the content of the story back to the speaker. All the details (who, what, where, and especially how it felt) are fully shared and accurately mirrored.

Then begins step three. Here the listener sets aside defensiveness and attempts to “walk in the moccasins” of the speaker. The goal is to develop and express an understanding of how the speaker could feel the way he or she does. Speaker and listener work together as allies, sharing new information and making suggestions about how the validation process can work better, until an empathetic link is established and the speaker feels validated.

The “mirroring” aspect of this process resembles the practice of active listening. Yet the real magic and mystery come from the final step, successful validation, as both people share the emotional reality of the one in distress. It is not about making one person right and the other wrong. It is about the emotional healing that comes from genuine empathy.

We have been interested for several years in the potential application of Open Hearted Listening to the network of relationships in communities. We believe it is well suited to preventing and resolving conflict in any relationships which are based upon commitment and a strong desire to grow.

Daniel Little and Cecile Green wish to gratefully acknowledge Don and Martha Rosenthal, the creators of Open Hearted Listening, for their training and support.

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